B (zthepatientz) wrote,
B
zthepatientz

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my money tree is dying one leaf at a time



this is a five minute rant that i recorded with my phone then typed. its interesting to hear yourself talk.
i say "you know" a lot.

pardon the grammer and spelling/punctuation errors, i talk faster that i type.

"so yeah.
i was just uh- over at tashas house, pickin' up my phone, i had forgotten it there. And uh- Natsha was sleeping and uh- she called me about fourthirty this morning. i was at work, she was telling me that she was jsut getting in and that i could come over and get the phone then. You know i dont know what she wanted, you know why- i dont know. you know- i know she was probably having a good time out with rob- and you know that jsut kills me. you know i cant stand her being out with other people and i dont know why. you know- and ive tried to look past it and ive tried to move on but i cant. i keep getting- i keep getting stuck on that. and uh- i sat there for a good fourtyfive minutes jsut watching her sleep. i dont know what- i dont know if i was- waiting for her to wake up [and] tell me to lay down or- you know- ah- i just dont know. i can picture her you know shes being so indipendant and i dont know why that makes me sick- that makes me sad and jelouse. but you know- is it becasue i cant do that or is it something more? you know- i just- ah- i dont know- you know- i see all these things we base our lives off of, these movies and what not but its all fake. its all out of someones head. and i dont know why people have to- you know- try and apply that to our own lives because this is us- you know this is the way it is and the way it is is shit. you know- and its like i was thinkin', when i was wathcing her you know- for me its fucking horrible for her to go off and be with rob and be indipendant and do her own thing and have me come last you know- on a very long list or prople, if she needs help or advice or anything like that. and she just- and- but- but- its so much worse not having it at all. you know- and i jsut want it to be back the way it was before, where im the first on the list. im the one that she comes and asks you know- i dont want their to be anyone else. now its just going to be fucking weird. and like i was writing earlier: i just fucking need to wipe the slate clean. you know- leave this shit behind, leave it all but i cant. you know- i- and is it because ive grown and learned all these things with her here. with somebody here and i cant do these things by myself or what? you know- i lost my phone today for a whole fucking night and nothing, no messages,. no calls fucking nothing. you know- and natahsa fucking gets calls up the yin yang. calls and messages. and she can you know- keep in contact with people. and i cant do it. you know- i hate i hate fucking doing that. i hate talking to people. i hate- you know- keeping dates. i can never keep dates. and now with just one fucking night a week

[lights ciggarett]

i just dont know. you know- why the fuck couldnt she be out with me on mill till fourthirty in the morning. you know- why does she have to change? im not any different. im certainly not- you know- restraining her,holding her back from going out and doing these things with me. you know- id love to go with her. id love to do things. but it- it cant happen. for whatever reason [when shes with me] shes got to be home you know thats all we do when we hang out is fucking sleep. granted their is a little bit of fucking uh- shcedual difference, me working nights. but still she up all fucking night. we should sleep the same hours. i dont knowe its just rediculous.

[sigh]

fuck. i dont know."

i was having a chat lastnight with an older lady about a concert she worked the previous night.

interesting details about the SOAD concert:
-over 300 people were arrested for various reasons, being drunk was the most common.
-a ten year old boy was trampled and rushed to the hospital
-several fans asked this security gaurd if they could smoke "refer" just outside the arena, she replied "sure, if you want to go to jail."
-they apperently had to carry "the weirdest stuff" off of the busses, then load it back on after the show.

oh.. funny funny old woman.
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